Tales from the Doghouse – every SPAD has his day

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Photo credit: Dominic Buccilli

Juvenile, bed-wetting, ham-fisted Etonians never endeared themselves to John Bercow, nor to Dilyn whose aptitude for calling out the disgraceful, the corrupt and downright deceitful almost matches that of the former speaker.

No surprise then that he scoffed when Len McCluskey suddenly woke up to employment figures and Keir’s popularity ratings soared just as rumours of Russian interference in elections, favours and donations to Tories and dodgy Covid tests hit the news. All diversions, of course, from the grand-scale larceny that procured Brexit.

But what really bugs Dilyn is Ministers trying to imply that no matter the mounting claims of corruption and interference in the election, the referendum and who knows what else, everything should go on as before. No consequences for those wrecking the polity, the economy, creating chaos and trashing public policy.

Emboldened by his latest webinar on redacting skim-reads for the PM, Dilyn exercised his legendary vocal cords and told the local journos that the time had come to void the referendum, re-run the general election, demand compensation for the £17 million pension fiasco, and investigate every Covid contract.  He even gave them video clips of Sussex protests at the party conferences in Brighton, and the coach-loads of local protesters off to London.

Then he admitted to sneaking off daily to join SODEM, gossiping to the Brighton belle on the beach famed for bunging him biscuits before her interviews on Latest TV, and his worries about devolution and Dungeness raves. Delays in supplies will hit him and vets before anyone blinks, he says.

He also revealed that he’s chewed up more than a few contracts-for-chums this year and as a reward was on a promise to lunch at Chubby Chops in Brighton with pals from the True Crime Club before picking up the sloop from Sovereign Harbour for some sailing round the Med during the recess. That is, until Mr Vallance cautioned about a possible second wave and more lockdowns, and someone ordered the PM to dispatch the dog to York to sniff out the most cramped, damp and ghoulish places to convene the Commons and Lords during refurbishment. 

While a barge-cruise on the Ouse doesn’t quite match his expectations of Sussex sangria at The Eagle, chasing Vikings during re-enactments of them forcing Harold back to Battle does. It’ll let him hone his skills closer to home in readiness for expelling his least favourite SPAD from the sofa at No. 10.

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